“Nathan, I…” he looked up to see her face. She had dropped his hand and his sweaty palm quickly grew cold. Her words sent a chill down his spine. He shivered.
“Katie, I’m sorry I just couldn’t keep going without telling you.” He was trying to look at those beautiful green eyes that he loved so much. She wouldn’t look at him.
“How could you? How…? ” a single tear drew a line that shimmered in the fire’s light on her cheek, “I thought … I just wanted… who are you?” She turned to face him. Her face was heavily shadowed from the flames. His heart stopped when he met her gaze. He turned from her eyes. He suddenly couldn’t breathe anymore.
He wanted to say that he was still the man she had fallen in love with; that he was still her Nathan, but he couldn’t. “I dunno. I thought I had beaten it.”
“Well, have you? Because it sure as hell sounds like you haven’t!” her hands shook as they wiped at her face.
“God, Katie, I wish it was that easy. I tried to get away from it for so long. Then when I met you…”
“Am I nothing to you?” she said. Her voice was unsteady and quiet.
“You’re everything to me!” he stopped to compose himself, he was trying not to shout at her. She was so cold.
“Don’t lie to me! If I were everything then you would… ” She trailed off as she looked up into the darkness. “Why Nathan? Why would you do this to me?”
Nate couldn’t bring himself to answer her. Everything had gone so wrong. He looked at his soiled fingers and began to rub them against his jeans desperate to clean the dirt off. “It’s all… wrong,” he said.
“What the fuck does that mean? Jesus Christ, Nathan, you bring me here to tell me something like this? What, you think that I will be okay with this? Shit!” He had never heard those words cross her lips. She hated them; he had tried so hard to stop saying them when they had first started seeing each other.
“This was a mistake.”
She stood and motioned to the both of them. “No. This is a mistake.”
He stopped the car in her driveway. They hadn’t spoken a word since they left the campground. She just looked out the window and cried. Nathan didn’t understand why she was crying; he was the one that was messed up. She was fine. She was perfect. He was the problem.
He couldn’t take it. He had to hear her voice just one more time. “Katie… I…” he stepped out of the car.
“No, Nathan, just go. I can’t do this.” She stopped in front of her door, the yellow porch light made her look sad. “Wait… there is one thing.” She looked at her left hand and, taking a deep breath, pulled the engagement ring off - its twinkle gone.
“Katie? So this is really it. You’re really just going to walk away from this.”
“Don’t you dare put this on me! How could you expect me to be ok with this? What, did you think love would be enough? God, you are so… ugh! Just take it and leave!” Katie threw the ring at him as he made his way up the steps.
Nathan bent to pick up the ring that had bounced off his chest and said. “I thought you were different, that you…” he shook the tears from his eyes as he stopped himself. After a second’s pause he turned and returned to his car.
Her cries followed him, “That I was what? What, Nathan?”
“My rose.” He said as he fastened his seatbelt and put the car in drive. “But I guess you were just something that I should have plucked long ago.” He laughed at his own stupid fascination with love that had gotten him here, driving home alone. He felt like his heart was going to rip apart as the roots of whatever Katie had planted in there twisted and cut till his heart was a bloody pulp in its cavity.
“Why you back so early? I thought…” Mark started as he entered the kitchen just before noon.
“That I would be gone till tomorrow? Yeah, me too.” Nathan sat at the decrepit old table eating a piece of pie that had been in the fridge since his mother had surprised him last Sunday. He held up the ring. “You think they’ll buy it back?”
“Oh shit, what happened?” Mark said as he pulled a chair out and sat down opposite Nathan.
“She decided she didn’t want to… why did I get such an expensive ring?”
“That bitch! What did she do?”
“They better at least give me store credit for this rock.”
“Nate, I knew she was wrong from the start.”
“Then why didn’t you say anything? Jesus! What good is it to have a fag roommate if you wont tell me when I’m doing something stupid?”
“Ok, first off that’s an offensive term, and second I didn’t want to make you mad. And I always called her a bitch, you should have caught on to it.”
“You call everyone bitch! How was I supposed to know it was different with her?”
“Oh, Nate… I don’t even know what to say.” Mark stared at Nathan from across the table. Nathan noticed his eyes brighten and quick smile come across his face. “Nate, darling, you will live to tell this tale.”
Nathan rolled his eyes; he was not in the mood for a song. “Don’t… please for the love of…”
“A man can tell a thousand lies, I’ve learned my lesson well. Hope I live to tell…” Mark sang horribly off pitch.
Nathan put his head in his hands and ran his fingers through his hair. He usually laughed at his cousin’s Madonna improvs. A lump gathered in his throat and swallowing did nothing to quell it. His hands shook and his breathing began to quiver. It seemed that his tears could force themselves out of his eyes no matter how tightly he clenched his eyelids. The singing stopped and Nathan felt Mark’s arms around him.
“She’s not worth it… sshh… it’s okay…” Mark squeezed him tighter.
“I’m the one that’s not worth it. She was worth everything. She was it for me; the one.” He pushed Mark away from him as he stood. Mark stepped away and let him pass into the hallway that led to his bedroom.
“Hey, I know this sucks, but I am here for you, Nate.” As Nate pushed his door closed and crumbled to the floor Mark quickly added, “I will slap that bitch silly! Damn whore doesn’t know who she’s messing with.”
Nate held the ring in front of his tear stained face and watched it glimmer in the sunlight that penetrated through an opening in his brown curtains. His eyes grew tired of watching the shiny stones and they fell closed, as his breathing grew heavier.
The small orange bottle stared at Nathan through the mirror, rattling as if it were the quiet music of despair. He tried not to look at the pills that shook in his trembling hand. She hadn’t answered any of his calls. She hadn’t answered her door. She had written him off. Three weeks and nothing. Nothing at all. There was nothing but this. His face that had an overgrowth of facial hair. His hands that always shook. Mark had stopped talking about her because it always ended the same way - Mark holding him until he could pull himself together enough to return to his monotonous and numb life.
Nathan didn’t recognize his reflection; he hadn’t recognized it since before the camping trip. He was a shell. A shell that was taking up space and ruining everything it touched. He didn’t care anymore; everything had been a lie. He was supposed to have been married forever, to have kids and be happy. But he would never have that. His problems would keep that from him. He would only have this sound. This rattling that was oddly calming to him. Mark was gone tonight. Nathan longed to be gone, to not feel this anymore.
The plastic stuck to his bottom lip as a few pills filled his mouth. The water was warm; it had sat on the counter for more then an hour. It was harder to swallow than he had anticipated. His eyes began to tear up. He wasn’t crying. It was because he had gagged. Another mouthful, another burst of warm water. “Stop crying dammit! You want this!” he said to his weak reflection in the mirror. A few pills had fallen in the sink, they were small and yellowish. Nathan stared at them each individually as he picked them up one by one and placed them into his mouth. He had to refill his cup and as he did the taste that seeped from the pills almost made him vomit. The water was cool this time. It was refreshing.
He looked at his reflection and started to recognize whom he saw. It was him, the one he had told Katie about that night by the fire. It was that man she had rejected. If only Nathan could just get rid of him. Then maybe it would be ok again. He turned his back to the mirror and walked out of the bathroom. His eyes felt dry and his right leg heavy. The hallway seemed to shake, his eyes hurt in his head. Everything felt wrong. Everything felt dark. His fingers tingled as he lay on the floor. He could hear his breathing change. Short quick gasps every few seconds. Each time the interval increased, even as the light from the bathroom faded.
A noise ahead of him.
A warm hand on his face.
More noise.
Nothing.
Nathan lay in bed and stared out the window. The tree outside moved effortlessly in the wind. It swelled forward and thrust back. “Hey there Nathan.” He knew it was Katie. Her voice was that same annoying pitch it had always been. A little cold, too. He didn’t answer. If she thought he was asleep maybe she would leave. “Nathan?”
He hated hearing her say that. “I would wave you over, but they tied my hands down last night.” Swell and thrust, the tree continued.
“My God, Nathan what were you thinking? Why?”
“Like you give a shit.”
“Of course I do! I still… Nathan, look at me.”
Swell and thrust. “You want to fix me and show how caring you are? Take me back? Is that it?” The leaves danced carelessly during the swells and yet they looked as if they were being whipped back into place during the thrust. “They will all love you so much.”
“What? Nathan, I just wanted to…let you know that I forgive you.” She grasped his hand. It tensed up as the cold tentacle-like fingers wrapped around his. He forced them limp, to not respond to the icy touch. “Come on, Nathan, what were you thinking?”
“How abnormally long and cold your fingers are.”
She pulled her hand off his at the sound of the door opening to his hospital room. “What the… oh hooka’ bitch, please! You best be getting your fat ass up outta my chair!” Nathan smiled as the tree swelled again.
“Hello Mark, I was thinking you were going to be here.”
“Damn straight I’m here, bitch. See, I love my cousin a whole helluva lot more than to just leave him; to just walk away like your fat ass did!”
“Don’t talk to me like that! You don’t understand!”
“Oh, I think I understand perfectly, bitch! You don’t answer him till he’s almost killed himself! Oh damn girl, you must really love him! I mean, why else would you treat him like that? It musta been love! I hope you know that you did this to him and if I hadn’t walked in he would be dead. And bitch you best realize that if my cousin had died you woulda been…”
“What? You think you can hurt me? What the hell can a queer do?”
As Mark spoke Nate imagined his hands being raised in front of his face pointing at her. “What, bitch? You gunna come in here and act like you gots any right to talk to me like that?” Nathan heard a slap just as the tree outside the window thrust back. “Now get the fuck outta here!”
Nathan heard the door slam. “I’m sorry, Nate. I just couldn’t stand that bitch anymore. She came by last night while you were asleep. I wouldn’t let her in. Dammit, I wish you didn’t have to hear that shit now. Its really not what you need.”
He turned over in bed and looked at his cousin. “You sounded black just then.”
Mark smiled. “Oh, that’s just from watching TV, you sound stronger if you yell like a black bitch.” Nate laughed. “There you are. How are you feeling?”
“Better now that she’s gone.”
“Yeah I know, it felt so dark in here when I walked in.”
“I know, but that’s not what I meant. She’s gone. She touched my hand and it wasn’t there anymore.”
“I swear she did a number on you, because you’re talking like a psycho now.”
“Mark… don’t call me a psycho when I’m tied up like an animal in a hospital bed because I tried to off myself.” He turned back to look out the window. The wind had stopped. “Its not nice.”
“I… I’m so sorry, Nate. I just don’t know how to act around this. I mean when I found you the other night you were pale as a ghost and hardly breathing. When I touched your face it was like ice and… I just thought you were dead.” Mark paused and when he started again his voice was unsteady. “Nate, I know this is hard for you and I don’t want to make it any tougher than it is. But don’t you ever try that again. You are like my brother and if you were gone then I don’t know what I would do.”
“Oh stop crying you big ole faggot, I don’t think I will be doing this again.” Nate heard him laugh. After a pause his voice grew somber and he said, “I had to do it. I can’t explain why. It was my way of…God, I don’t know…coming back? But I think I’m here now. I was so lost. I just… wanted to feel something other then numb. It was like she never really wanted me for me.” Nate stopped himself; he was done talking about her.
Mark grabbed his hand, “Well then, welcome back.”
“Addiction is a sickness Nathan. Its not something that just goes away.” Dr Reynolds looked across her oak desk at Nate. “No one I talk with wants to face that.”
“I want to believe that if I just accept, like you say, then it will be easier. But honestly Doc I don’t see how that would help.”
“Why did you think the pills would help?”
Nate paused before he answered. He remembered looking at himself in the mirror. “Because if I was gone then it would be gone, too. It just seemed like the only thing I could do at the time.”
“Nathan in these last few months you have come to see me twice a week and I’ve realized that you don’t really know what you did.” She paused and removed her glasses. “You are treating it like a child treats spilt milk, sure you say you’re sorry, but you don’t seem to want to clean it up.”
“I think this is more serious then spilt milk. I mean…I come here don’t I?” He was starting to think this was just a waste of time.
“You tell me certain instances from this last year. I know exactly what Katie said after you told her, I know how Mark reacted and how you looked at yourself when you took the pills. You keep telling me parts, but you never tell me the whole picture. Nathan I think you need to accept your addiction.”
Nate just looked at his hands. He didn’t know what to say but the more she talked the more he sweat.
“Its my opinion that you have been compartmentalizing this for so long you don’t know how to live with it. You know how to hide it quite effectively but you refuse to let it be part of your life.”
“Why would I want this to be part of my life? Come on! Why would I want to embrace something that has destroyed every part of me? It almost killed me. Tell me! Why would I want that? Who would want me with that?” His face was hot and he knew she was seeing him turn red with every word.
“No one wants to live with half a man.” She leaned forward and placed both her manicured hands on the desk. Nate caught his breath. “People like that, people who aren’t whole, are like that because they only want to accept the good in themselves. But, Nate, you need to realize that the bad in us is half of who we are. You can’t hate half of yourself and expect to be happy. To accept the bad and broken in you is to accept you. So, yes it is important to realize that this addiction is part of you now.”
“I…” he tried to hold back the vibrato the accompanied his words. “I’m scared. “
“Of what?”
“That if I do what you tell me, then I will be alone.”
“But, Nate, haven’t you been alone doing what you’re doing now? I think its time to change things in your life.”
“Like what?”
“Small things at first. Start with a new coffee shop or a new restaurant for lunch. Try to change your routine. I think you will be surprised how much it helps.”
Nate walked into a new café to get his morning coffee. He had about an hour before he had to go to work. The café was rustic, a lot of earthy hues with a splash of bright color every once and while along the walls. He instantly liked the feeling of the place. The coffee was decent and the price better. Nate sat and read the newspaper trying not to think about her today. He was starting to forget what she looked like. The hurt faded with her image. He wished it were gone entirely.
When he finished his coffee he got up and started towards the door. He noticed a familiar blue book as he walked out, The Little Prince. The women holding it had curly blond hair, a little untamed and wild. She was smiling to herself as she read.
His hands almost slipped on the wooden chair as he pulled it out from her table. “Can I help you?” she asked him with a bit of hostility. She had an unpleasant look on her face.
“So, what part are you at?” he motioned towards the book that now lay open on the table. He felt stupid. Dr. Reynolds had told him to do things out of the ordinary, that change would help.
“Excuse me? Who are you?”
“Oh, my name is Nate. Well, Nathan, but I don’t like it when people call me that. So call me Nate.” He noticed that, apart from looking extremely nervous, she was rubbing her left wrist with her right thumb. Maybe it was a nervous tick.
“Ok, self-loathing Nathan, what is it that you want? I mean I suppose you didn’t just ruin my perfectly good morning to talk about a book.”
“Actually… this is my favorite book.”
“It’s a children’s book.” She took a sip of her coffee. He took it as a sign that she was relaxing.
“Then why are you reading it? Are you a child?” He felt stupid flirting again.
“No, do I look like a child? I am reading it because my sister said I would like it.”
“Well, do you?” Nate smiled as he looked at the drawing that was on the page - a man and a lamppost. “You’re almost to my favorite part. He’s about to get to earth, he’s about to meet the fox.”
“I do like it so far. My name is Alicia, by the way. Its nice to meet you, Nate.”
“You seem quite a bit nicer than just a few seconds ago.”
“Well, now I know you have actually read the book and you’re not just trying to pick me up.” Her smile was infectious.
“I thought you hadn’t read it?”
“I’m a liar, sorry. But my sister did suggest it to me, only that was a few years ago.” She laughed and the sun caught her hair. Nate couldn’t help but stare. “I love the ending.”
“You mean when he commits suicide?” Nate hadn’t said that word since it had happened. He looked down at his hands; he felt the tingling again.
“He doesn’t kill himself, he goes home!” She said. “And it’s so beautiful, so loving. Oh, this is silly I am going to start crying.” Nathan reached out for her hands but she pulled them back quickly.
On her left wrist he saw a scar extending across it. Seeing his gaze she turned her hand over. “Oh, I’m sorry.” She looked at him hard. They looked at each other for what seemed like an hour, but couldn’t have been more than a second. He recognized something in her. “Then I guess two months ago I tried to go home, too.” He looked down at the picture in the book. His life before the night he had tried to kill himself seemed to have no purpose. He felt like he had been the lamplighter in the picture, doing things just because he was supposed to. When she spoke he looked back up at her.
“I…” she looked at her wrist. “Fourteen months and five days ago I tried, too.” She looked at him. “Do you regret it?”
“No. You?”
“I…wanted to for a long time. But no, I don’t.” She stood quickly. “So, tomorrow?”
He smiled as he handed her the blue book with a small boy on the front. “Well you are quite the fox… yeah I’ll be here.”
No comments:
Post a Comment